I found this article on the Rainbow Network and think that all us gay guys would much benefit from reading it. Especially considering many of us are getting ready to visit the folks. Thanks Richard Bevan for giving us a way to survive the holiday!
For the average, young gay man and woman, who escaped the brain dead parochialism of small town life, the idea of actually being dragged back to the family home – usually without their significant other- is about as enticing as visiting the GUM clinic. It’s not so much the prospect of playing Cluedo with siblings, cousins, nieces and Aunties that is so daunting, more the apprehension that at any moment a spotlight of interrogation may fall on you over the 100th screening of The Sound of Music, or while scoffing a turkey sandwich.
“Are you courting yet?” “Can’t be a bachelor all your life!” “You don`t want to stay on the shelf too long my dear!”
Are just some examples of family probing round the dinner table, particularly if everyone assumes you’re either a Hetty stud or a girl waiting for her dream boy. Let’s face it, the majority of adult children visit their parents and family out of guilt rather than actually wanting to spend time with them. Particularly if they happen to be a bunch of Daily Mail reading whingers. Even if you do love ‘em, bless their ‘curtain twitching’ cotton socks.
But even unconditional love has its limits, especially when conversation revolves around shopping prices, Asylum seekers, that Mrs Blair, and the minutiae of Neighbours. It’s enough to make you want to scream ‘Fist fucking’ at the top of your larynx!
Just possibly, more fortunate gays who are open and out and proud to their impossibly liberal folks, can experience the kind of reaffirming Christmas reunions usually only seen in a Richard Curtis film. But how many dislocated souls have had to traipse out in the cold of night away from granny`s bat like ears, just to exchange a few words of reassurance with their loved one on the mobile?
Derek from Kilburn was so desperate to see his boyfriend over the Xmas holidays that he persuaded him to travel a hundred miles, just to meet up late at night in a pub car park.
“There was no way I could invite Shaun to the family as my sister knew I was gay but my parents didn’t and it would have been too risky. I was so desperate for his company and physical affection that we sped off to a remote place to have a cuddle. What was meant to be a bit of light petting got carried away and we ended up stripping off and having sex in the back of the car. A good half an hour into a romp, we suddenly saw a torch light reflecting on the windscreen and then heard voices. We’d parked in a private golf club area and found ourselves surrounded by amused middle-aged caretakers. It was so humiliating”
For those lucky enough to be able to take their male and female partners to the family home during Christmas, where the relationship is accepted, spare a thought for those gays who soon become nervous wrecks as they try and pass off their lovers as platonic chums.
“You go through all that stupid crap of putting up a camp bed and the like, that of course you’re never going to use” says Stacy, who invited Philly her girlfriend of two years to the family nest in Guilford. “I made out she was my best mate from college and have to admit my family were really nice and accommodating. Although they thought it odd why she wasn’t with her own folks”
As Stacy explained to me previously, Philly had walked out of her family home at sixteen when her Stepfather discovered she was gay and told her to leave.
“It was so difficult because we had to pretend we were interested in guys and all the time we just wanted to hold hands and kiss. It was very stressful and I was relieved when we finally left. It’s really sad because it shouldn’t be like that. I’d love my family to accept me and my girlfriend and share in my happiness. But I’m just not sure what their reaction will be. I have decided though that this Xmas I may be brave enough to tell my brother at least that I’m gay and perhaps even admit it to my parents too. I just don’t want us wasting our time like this any more”
Of course there is one other scenario far worse than the above, as explained in detail in Douglas Coupland’s book ‘All Families Are Psychotic’ – which is when arrogant, ignorant, tedious or just plain homophobic relatives visit you and your partner. How such situations don’t deteriorate into serial murdering is beyond me but my advice is simply, say you’re going abroad or have TB, anything to stop them appearing on the doormat.
As for gays who remain home rather than visiting family, Xmas and the New Year may still not turn out to be the rollicking experience we imagine everyone else is having. After all this is the one time of year when people feel obligated to see their parents, so there may not be that many friends left to go around on a pub crawl.
Jake recalls his Xmas and New Year pasts. “I hated the psychological pressure to have a good time when it was all false. It’s okay if you’re with a bunch of mates and getting pissed in a bar or at someone’s house, but I remember Christmases which were very lonely. Just going out to a bar or club on your own was pretty depressing, especially on New Year’s. You feel you`re a bit of a sad bastard and everyone else has friends and a life accept you. The usual solution I found was to pick up and have sex, and at least bring the New Year in with a bang. That way you think this is better than being stuck in some suburban house playing charades with people you have nothing in common with”
Tony from Islington agrees. “If you’re not visiting family and many friends have gone away I think the best thing is just to go cruising. You’d be surprised how many people are thinking of doing the same thing. A Xmas shag can really work wonders, and who knows it could be the start of a beautiful relationship! One New Year looked like it was going to turn out to be wrist slittingly awful, dumped in a club on the outskirts of London. But I met a 30 year old banker who took me home and shagged me rotten. He was a complete arse as it turned out but I had at least a memorable night. Eight inches of it!”
So what are the best ways of making sure that Xmas and New Year are fun and enjoyable rather than a bind or depressingly lonely?
Perhaps one idea is to plan ahead and make arrangements with close friends to go off together either abroad or to some other far flung place? A country cottage, Edinburgh, Amsterdam, or somewhere where you can sizzle on a beach? Giving plenty of notice will help those with stringent obligations to their relatives to come up with convincing enough excuses not to see them at Xmas. After all, there’s not much even a guilt-trip laying mother can do when you’ve booked a fortnight in Ibiza!
If a trip to the bosom of the family is unavoidable (i.e your Irish or Welsh) then if you’re single (ho ho) at least check out the local gay hotspots -if there are any - so that a welcome respite from heterosexual hell will make the visit more bearable. If you have a loved one who can’t be with you, make sure you take a mobile with you so that you can both share nightmare scenarios and exchange sweet nothings when times become particularly tedious.
A friend of mine was so worried that he would die of boredom after spending eight days with his Walton like family in Nuneaton, that he took his porn stash to help relieve the frustration. What he didn’t expect to do was get a hardcore video jammed in the VCR while he was jacking off. He spent the early hours of New Year`s day morning taking the machine to bits and retrieving miles of tape screwed up inside, before everyone got up.
Ah Christmas and families. Good luck everyone.
By: Richard Bevan
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